She Speaks Latin? Really?

Only us

pure originality - pure Saiyuki

A students' blog. Lover of many things, master of none. Does procastination count?

Transmission interrupted. Please make your way to www.bhelliom.blogspot.com

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

I just saw a picture of a few of my classmates in labcoats. They’d captioned the photo as “Future Doctrorrzzz!!!” and leaving aside the irritating use of’ ‘z’ in the caption (a pet peeve of mine), they really did look like doctors. They looked like responsible young adults, capable of taking on all the responsibilities of the job.

Fast forward to me taking a look at a picture of myself in a labcoat. No one looking at the picture would have seen a medical student. All they’ve seen would perhaps be a college student attending lab, or someone playing dress-up. But I know for a fact that my mindset is one hell of a lot more suited for medicine than many of my classmates. It doesn’t bother me that many people, seeing me in class etc. say “You don’t look like a doctor la!” or “I can’t see you in 5 years time!” I know I’ve got the brains to do it,… God’s given me that much ^_^

What worries me now are the mechanical skills. First off, I’m a self-acknowledged klutz. I’m clumsy, and my hand skills are nonexistent. Now, more than ever, am I seeing that medicine is ultimately a hands-on job. Not only do you require brains and the right mind set, you also need skills. Injections, palpations, suturing, examinations, extraction, and the list goes on… it’s crazy. And most of my clumsiness with tools stems from the fact that I’m fat.

Not just fat.

In clinical terms, I’m morbidly obese.
(and most of you will have no idea just how difficult it was to admit that)

Many of the coordination and motor skills that kids develop when young I simply didn’t, because I never attempted any sort of physical activity. I didn’t___ because, whenever I tried something and didn’t do it well on the first try, I’d be told it wasn’t because I hadn’t had any practice, but because I was too fat to do it. At some point, you just stop being involved. You run the other way when someone mentions an activity that involves physical work, and concentration.

This in turn now has affected my confidence in being able to carry out the things that my job will require me to do. And I can’t afford that, not in my chosen profession. Today a friend told me that his future healthcare depends on me passing in the allotted time, so not to delay it at all. He meant it in a joking way, but that led me to realise that “will ye, nil ye” a person will be asked by those s/he cares about, to act in the capacity of their job.

And when I am a doctor, when my friends come to me, I must be able to carry out my duties well. I’m the only doctor in my generation on my fathers’ side, and I’ll probably be the only one accessible on my mothers’ side. Ultimately, their healthcare will fall upon me. I will be responsible. And with every new skill I realise I’ll have to know, I get more and more nervy.. because I’m not confident in my motor skills…

Plus I’ve come to realise that my size has also affected a lot of the things I do in life. I may brush it off with a joke and a laugh, but at some point, if I don’t get a hold of myself, I’m going to end up with my size becoming a disability. And I don’t think I could handle that. With a family history that is crazy. (hypertension, diabetes, heart problems and cancer on both sides, just to name a few) I cannot afford to let this carry on…

Not if intend to have a snowball’s chance in hell of carrying out my job well. Not just adequately, not just okay, but well.

And I don’t know if I’ve the willpower for that.

~Raindrops are pretty little things, so small and light…. But when they come as a wall, we call it a tsunami___________and we all fall down~

| 6:17 AM